POP

The adoption bubble burst for me tonight. I realized my daughter is not now nor may she ever be capable of showing love or affection towards me because I'm her "mother". Too much baggage and trauma comes with that title. I hope I'm at the fifth and final stage of grief....acceptance, but only time will tell.

She HANGS on men and strangers. Super. I'm pretty sure that's a 5 star recipe for sexual assault/abduction. Probably should put some mase in her stocking.

So now what? What do I do? So far I've cried, slammed a door, cried.....then my husband reminds me my purpose is to care for her. Not to cater to her every whim, not to try and make homemade Indian food, not to earn or receive a mutually loving relationship with her, and not to make her happy. My job is just to care.

Honestly it's almost a relief. I still don't regret it. I know adopting Richa is what God wants for her and for myself and that makes me happy. That and the fact that I am so upset I might not be able to eat tomorrow gives me peace....peace that passes understanding. Maybe now I can just love her without expectation. I hope so.