Holidays and Happiness (or lack thereof)
It’s easy to be an angry mom. Angry because I don’t feel appreciated, angry because my daughter can’t show affection, angry that she doesn’t seem to appreciate anything that’s given to her, and angry that my hair won’t do what I want. GRRRR. Of all days, I don’t want to be angry or worried today…Christmas Eve, but if I’m honest I am. She opened her new scooter and showed about as much excitement as I do when I open a new jar of peanut butter. I probably show more. Oh Lord, what if she opens a gift from someone in our family tomorrow, tosses it to the side, and says “finished!”. (horrified and cringing at the thought)
If I had a dime for every time Richa said “I want” I would be living on my own private island. She’s like an empty well that is constantly asking to be filled by stuff. When she gets something, she opens it without any expression, is interested for 5 seconds, and then puts it aside and forgets about it. I’ve watched her do this over and over since she came home 4 months ago. Of all the surprises that have come with adoption, the sense of entitlement that my daughter exhibits has shocked me more than anything.
In the beginning, I thought well maybe she just doesn’t like it? Or maybe it’s just overwhelming? Now I think it’s more than that. My daughter doesn’t hoard food…. she hoards stuff. Tossing an old receipt into the trash bag comes with an interrogation. “Why throwing?” Ummm because it’s a piece of paper. Do you want to put it in a shadow box? As a minimalist and also a “non-stuff” person this drives me crazy. She also thinks that everything she receives should be sent to her friends in Hyderabad.
My initial reaction to this is annoyance, concern, and sadness which are usually all masked by my favorite emotion…. Anger! I’m aware of this. Anger is my go to. I’d rather feel anger than any other emotion. It’s the safest for me, and the least vulnerable. However, thanks to my professional training, and a plethora of anger specific reading material I understand this tendecency and recognize it for what it is… just a mask. Anger is a signal for me now. It’s a siren that screams “Something is going on! What it is? What’s happening? Why is she like this? There has to be a reason?” How do I understand something that is so far out of my realm of experience? Halleluiah for the world-wide web and all those who have gone before me.
I grew up in a world where gifts were given as a result of an achievement or a special holiday (Christmas, birthdays, etc), and they were given individually. In an orphanage, EVERYONE shares and EVERYONE receives equally at random times. I tell her multiple times a week that we are her parents and we are not responsible for providing for anyone else but her. This is foreign to her and foreign to me as well. Over time I can only pray she adopts a new normal and a new expectation.
Not only are we dealing with that today, but on top of it she’s missing her friends more than usual as well so she has completely shut down on us. This is also to be expected. As the holidays approach, most of us are reminded of loss. It’s as if suddenly there’s a big spotlight on whatever void is currently present in our life. For my daughter, she is mourning her former life, and wishing she was dressed in a saree, taking photos, and opening “5 gifts” in Hyderabad with her friends.
So, we’ve got a sort of triple toxicity on our hands today. We’ve got the bat signal alerting her to the enormous amount of grief she’s experiencing, we’ve got a ton of family excited to give her gifts while she says thank you politely without expressing any emotion, and we’ve got a mom who has to watch it all happen without any amount of control whatsoever while constantly wondering if all this will ever be worth it. Sigh..... Finished!!