Radio Silence
Unless a friend is in the same city as me I probably haven’t seen or spoken to them much in the last 6 months. And even those friends that do live in close proximity have had to take a back burner. I’ve been in a whirlwind of doctor appointments, chauffeuring, quality timing, teaching, cooking, cleaning, and preparing. Preparing for what? Anything and everything that might possibly go wrong the next day. Who’s going to call and give me news that makes me feel completely helpless and like a total failure …. her teacher? her doctor? a friend’s mom from school? her therapist? her violin teacher? I’ve got a whole village of people that are trying to help me raise my daughter, and every time the phone rings or I get a text message I wince. So, in between taking care of her daily needs (as well as my husbands and the fur children) I’m trying to predict and prepare for the unknown.
If I could give myself and any other parent that’s interested a super power, it would be the gift of telepathy and/or prophecy. How I wish I could look into my future and know for a fact everything is going to be ok?. That Richa is going to be ok…. more than ok preferably. It also would be extremely helpful to know the myriad of thoughts going through my daughter’s mind on a daily basis. For example, she really struggles socially and the longer she's here the more isolated she's becoming. Why? Who knows? At her orphanage, she seemed to have lots of friends and was a well-liked kid. Here in America she mostly just smiles, responds politely, and/or is extremely silly initially which then fades to a form of selective mutism. I didn’t get it, her teacher didn’t get, and we both were at a loss. I knew that eventually the newness of Richa arriving would wear off with her peers and although they might still be nice to her and love her, the relationship/friendships would stall because of Richa’s inability to initiative and cultivate affection/connection. Asking her about any of this is pointless as she either doesn’t understand what I’m saying or she thinks she’s in trouble. Cue crocodile tears.
In my experience, most kids that struggle to make and maintain close friendships focus more on insignificant details rather than on the relationship. Let me explain. Her friend from India calls weekly and Richa never wants to talk to her on the phone….is it because she doesn’t like her? No. It’s because she wants to talk Telugu and since being adopted her friend would like to speak English. A socially skilled child recognizes that this is just a tiny detail and that in order to have the friendship it’s something they have to adjust to or “get over.” At school the girls in her class want her to play with them at recess. Does she go and play with them? No. Does she like them? YES. What she doesn’t like is the temperature. See what I mean?
She has no clue how her actions or lack of actions in her case communicate disinterest to others. I had a hunch this was the issue because i know Richa’s heart and I knew without a doubt nothing she was or wasn’t doing was meant to hurt anyone. So, I used my super intellect and thought…. she’s pretty insecure about her English…. maybe she just doesn’t know what to say once she’s on the phone? It’s a possibility? After hearing from us (and her teacher) how much other kids need her to show them love by the way she talks to them, spends time with them, etc. we planned a phone date with her friend from India. Trying to set her up for success and thinking four steps ahead I asked her if before calling she wanted me to write down some things she could ask and/or talk about if she found herself at a loss for words,. She really liked this idea. I had guessed right! We made a short list and for the following 30 minutes she and her buddy talked nonstop. They had a blast. Whew.
As the conversation ended I whispered “Tell her how much you liked talking to her, and that you’d like to talk to her again soon.” She repeated it with a big smile and then got off the phone and basically made out with Simon our dog in a fit of euphoria. She was beaming. She was given the key to unlock the art of conversation, and the ability to do so gave her so much pride in herself. I immediately texted her teacher, and then we had a party in the kitchen to celebrate what a good friend she was that night.
I wondered today....God....are we over the hump? Not only was last night’s experiment a much-needed success, but I noticed this morning I’m feeling less rushed and frazzled and more in a rhythm. I even had extra time to sit and read while I waited on her to join me for breakfast. Big exhale. Her tutoring is going well, she told me she loved me via text message (typical teenager), she loves violin, we have two solid sitters we are using weekly without an abandonment anxiety attack, and I think she is beginning to grasp the idea of the importance of not just receiving and feeling love for others but SHOWING it. Now I just wait on the other shoe to drop. I hope it’s a Manolo Blahnik, but I would settle for half of a set of Frye boots.