Parents Just Don't Understand
How do you explain to a 15-year-old with trust issues whose never had parents that all you are doing for her is because you love her and want the best for her? From her distorted perspective, I’m sure we’re horrible. It’s totally ridiculous that she can’t eat chocolate cake all day, right? Can you believe we make her go to school so she can possibly read and write one day inaddition to I don’t know…holding a job? We even encourage her to use her knee so she doesn’t need a hip replacement by the time she’s 25, and shockingly enough we enforce rules regarding respect and lying which goes not only for us but for anyone she comes in contact with. It’s truly appalling.
When I was her age there were many times I thought my parents were unfair and out to ruin my life too. Like they didn’t have anything else to do with their time?? However, I simultaneously had grown up going over to my friends’ houses which challenged that belief as I saw over and over that my friends’ parents weren’t that different from mine in regards to what they expected. By high school I realized either they were all in this life ruining plot together or maybe being a good parent meant caring enough to not let your children do every single thing they want every time they want to. Even if I didn’t understand why.
Richa has not grown up going over to her friends’ houses. Her friends were in her home 24/7, and they were all without parents. This concept of “two people who are the boss of me” is really new to her and probably pretty frustrating. There are some rules of thought that parents differ on, but overall most parents want their children to be healthy, educated, passionate about something, hardworking, and respectful. So, I don’t feel like I’m necessarily lying when I tell Richa that parents don’t let their children eat as much chocolate as they want. Other than Augustus Gloop of course, but what good did it do him? None.
I try to leave no stone unturned or any assumption left to decipher with my new daughter. The minute I tell her no I explain why I’m saying no, that it’s not because I want to be mean or hurt her, and then I add that other parents do the same thing. I also try to include (when my thoughts are rational enough through my extreme annoyance) that I understand why she would be sad or disappointed to not get to do what she wants. I guess it just surprises me because she didn’t eat chocolate cake all day in India and she didn’t expect to? Her diet was structured and set forth by her caregivers….so why does she think that’s going to be ok now? Coca-Cola was a victorious treat over there. The first time we took her to lunch she tried to pour the coke that was still left in her glass back in the can so she could take it back to her foster home. We told her we would just order her another one which was swiftly followed by her assigned caregiver’s disapproving interference. I get it. We weren’t her guardians yet and we weren’t the ones that would be dealing with the caffeine high the rest of the afternoon and evening.
She’s attending her first slumber party Saturday night. She’s had quite a few questions for me in regards to what will happen at the party, what will all the girls do at bedtime, when do they wake up, etc. Is it bad that I’m hoping the little girl’s mom makes them do manual labor? Part of me thinks when I call to check in at 8 o’clock she’s going to want to come home, but I hope for her sake and the sake of her wilting friendships that she stays and gives this fun experience a chance. The more exposed she is to other families the more she’ll start to understand how this whole thing works, and that her dad and I actually aren’t that bad. At least that’s my theory anyway.