Literacy is Overated

A 15 minute drive to get manicures and pedicures today turned into a conversation about death, dying, and heaven with my daughter. Now I'm sitting in my massage chair feeling super depressed and extremely sad. I've said it before but goodness gracious what is it with riding in the car and vulnerability?? I used to get in the Kia and buckle up for safety. Now I get in the car, buckle up, and wait........

About two months ago we had to put my dog Sami to sleep. This dog was the love of my freaking life for 8 years. Kindred spirits....we were both antisocial, neurotic, loved to go for walks, and we carried extra weight in our hips and thighs. She was also the sole reason I didn't die of loneliness while my husband was in residency and fellowship. Losing her was the most painful experience of my life thus far and I miss her every.single.day.

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Going through my own pain sucks, but oh my gosh it's so much harder as a parent. I kind of needed to not think about losing Sami today. It wasn't really on my to do list you know? What was on my to do list was to "grab a copy of the book Dog Heaven" for my husband's nurse, get a pedicure, take Richa swimming, and go to the grocery store. The minute we back out of the driveway she picks it up and I listened while she slowly sounded the words Dog Heaven out. Then I watched/winced as the pearly gates of complicated questions opened.

In no particular order......."What is dog heaven?" "How did Sami get there?" "Where is her body?" "What does she eat?" "Does she hurt?" "Is she sad?" "Who will take care of me if you die?" "How will Ammamma and Tata (her grandparents) know you die? I not have phone!"

I try and answer her questions to the best of my ability without completely losing it, explain that she's not going to get a phone just so she can call people if I die (Dad, a doctor, or the police will do that for her but I admire her I need an IPhone effort), and in a moment of clarity realize I'm going to have to dig deep into my arsenal bag of avoidance if I want to wrap this lovely topic up. Since I'm all out of parables I decided my best chance to bring closure was to answer her questions with a few questions of my own. Joke was on me. I started by asking her if she had ever known anyone that died in India. I'm expecting a no and then 5 minutes of beautiful silence. Instead she said "yes, babies died from shaking....they put in a box with flowers. Next day they gone. How they get to heaven?" Oh. My. Gosh. What. The. Heck.

I responded with a facial reaction of mild horror, asked her "how did that make you feel to know that happened?", and then mentally forced myself to distract my heartbreak with the first 90s rap song that popped in my head. Thank goodness Coolio's Fantastic Voyage was waiting in the cranium wings?

So I really didn't want to talk about death today. But guess what....my daughter did. So we did. Our kids have emotional needs and we should meet them.....or at least try. The line between need and want with kids is thin, but I do believe that it's so important we process emotions with our children....without judgement, criticism, or a complete emotional breakdown. Sometimes that's hard because of our own personal baggage, our plans for the day, and our lack of time/energy, but they need it. And in retrospect I needed it just as much as she did. I needed a glimpse into her little mind to see a few bits of her childhood which helped further explain why she is such a fearful child and so resistant to change. As always with understanding comes compassion. Something I can always use more of with my daughter.

I've also decided parents need a emergency car-conversation kit that we can keep in the glove box stocked with DVD's on sex, death, drugs, God, relationships, and procreation. "That's a great question honey......let me go through my after school special files real quick." Crisis averted.