Will We Sink or Float?

When someone you care about is sitting alone in a boat load of pain, I think most of us think if we jump in and join them we’ll both sink. (AKA this person is in distress and if I validate or empathize with the heartache they are experiencing then it’ll just make them feel worse…. all Hell will break lose and he or she will begin a downward spiral of depression OR I’ll feel just as bad as they do and I don’t want to feel bad right now). So instead of empathizing and validating their experience we block it by either trying to fix it or by shutting their emotions down completely by using phrases like “You’re being too sensitive. Or “You’re overreacting.”

Both maneuvers are like shooting a few holes in the hull of an already sinking ship. I know I’ve been guilty of it many times because it’s uncomfortable and sometimes scary to “go there” with someone. However, I’m seeing over and over again that when I jump in with both feet, it actually absorbs the grief I so greatly fear, and instead of making my friend/daughter/husband feel worse they actually end up feeling better.

My last blog was a description of my daughter’s heartbreaking ache to know her dog Maddie and her best friend Sony (both in India) are ok without her. That night my husband and I left her room, walked like two zombies down to the couch, and sat in silence while he watched TV and I blogged/cried. Then we went to bed. In a nutshell, we felt like complete crap and I found I had many questions of my own for God as I attempted to fall asleep……Why did this happen to her? Why haven’t her friends received families? Why we can’t Fedex her dog? You know stuff like that.

The next morning, I didn’t know what to expect when I woke up our daughter for school. Did our presence in the midst of her pain help or should I start calling psychiatric hospitals now and get her on a wait list?

She woke up in the BEST mood. The weight that was pushing down on her little shoulders the night before had obviously been lifted. Watching her bop around the house with the silly chatter of a child without a care in the world made the entire night, the crappiness we all felt going to bed, and the tears we all shed worth it. It also reinforced that she just needs us to jump in and help her paddle through her emotions. Not fix them, but just be there with her with our presence, validation that she has every right to feel the way she feels, and unconditional love.

The conclusion of this experiment was we didn’t sink at all. The next day she was light as a feather and as a result so were we.