Practice Makes Perfect.....I think?

What I thought my day to day life would look like as a parent is pretty far from my reality. I never could have guessed that my future daughter wouldn’t be able to tell me she loved me. That we would spend 8 months practicing yelling “I’m ready!” from her room so we knew it was time to come in and read at night. Or that I would have to “promise” that it was ok for her to put any and all dirty clothes in the laundry for me to clean. In India some of the more soiled items she washed herself because of germs?? I’m still scratching my head on that one.

At the beginning of this crazy ride called adopting a 15-year-old another mother of one of Richa’s friends who was also adopted told me to just say “I know it feels weird and it’s scary, so let’s practice.” That was when I couldn’t get her to call me mom……9 months ago. Yeah, we’re still practicing that one.

I’ve kind of taken my friend’s advice and ran with it. We practice EVERYTHING. We practice her asking for help. “Ok try saying can you help me with something…. (inaudible whisper) …. Good this time above 2 decibels please? We're not dogs." We practice her telling us hi, making eye contact, and smiling when we walk in the door. We practice shouting “I’m ready!” from the upstairs bathroom in the morning so I know she’s dressed and it’s time for me to go up and give her the world’s most perfect ponytail. We practice putting her foot down when she’s in the shallow end of the pool so she doesn’t drown….in the shallow end of the pool.

I can’t wait for the day when all of the above are no big deal to her. Sometimes I just want to say (whine) Richa staaaaaaahp and just talk!!!!! Just freaking say what you want to say?!?!

Thank goodness I’ve picked up on her “I need to tell you something but I’m scared signal.” She stares/watches me until I ask her 50 million times if she wants to tell me something with 50 million reassurances that she’s safe, I’m not going to get mad, I might tell her no, but that doesn’t mean I’m mad, and that I’m always listening. It’s seriously exhausting.

She’s had 8 play dates this year. 4 were birthday parties (not sure if that counts), 2 were over at a friend’s house, and 2 were at home. One was last Friday afternoon. She was extremely nervous beforehand about all the unknowns and how to politely tell her friend no if her friend wanted to do something that made her uncomfortable like try on her special Indian dresses or open her jewelry box. So, we practiced/prepared for every sticky social situation imaginable. By the time this little girl came over Richa could have hypothetically handled anything from “Do you want to set the couch on fire and do some drugs to do you want to go outside and look for bunnies?”

Violin, swimming, spelling, table manners, coloring, writing.....the repetition piece that is necessary for improvement was expected. Any new skill has to be practiced in order to reach some level of proficiency right? (insert A-ha moment) What a great reminder for me that all of the above ARE new skills to her. Hello?? They aren't going to be comfortable or feel normal until she's repeated them over and over and over again.

I’m not sure I can see the light at the end of the try it and see that the world doesn’t end tunnel, but I know this is what she needs to become confident in her new environment. So, my role as a parent is not what I pictured and it’s not what I planned but with lots and lots of practice this new mom is learning how to meet her daughters odd, mildly annoying, and time consuming needs. Guess at the end of the day she and I BOTH are a work in progress?? As I'm writing this I heard her little voice say "I'm ready!" Funny how what seems like a small accomplishment makes me beam with pride and admiration for my brave little girl. It's perfect ponytail time!