Writer's Block
It’s been a while since I’ve had any desire to write and I have absolutely no idea why. Well technically that’s a lie…. I have a feeling the reason for my creative slowdown has something to do with summer break and Richa being home all day every day draining my mental and emotional will to live. When I'm tired I retreat.
Does she want to invite friends over to the house to play? No. Does she want to go swimming? Yes, but only if it’s indoors at the fitness center where I’m pretty sure the chlorine content could dissolve a nail. I used to have a really cute leopard print one piece suit. Now it’s cream. Does she want to call her friends from India that have been adopted in America and talk? “Maybe tomorrow.” (AKA not really). Does she want to ride her bike or just go outside in general? No, it’s too hot. (Remember that time you lived in India where it’s like 400 degrees on a cold day?)
What my adopted teenage daughter does want to do is sit on our coach and watch tv all day every day. She wants to make bracelets, be home with the dogs, talk to her grandmother on the iPad, and will only choose to leave her perch if it means I force her. “You’re going to go to the waterpark and have fun with other kids. End of conversation.” Does she usually have fun? Yes! But getting her to do anything outside of her little routine independent of my nudging is like pulling teeth from a snake.
The constant presence of a child that needs her hand held for every single thing she attempts to do has been exhausting. During the school year I have her teachers to tag into the ring of reassurance and responsibility, but with her dad’s work schedule and her lack of interest in other activities or people outside of my family it’s been wearisome to put it mildly. I’ve also tried to walk that fine line of exposure without enabling. I can sign her up for Camp No Limits but she has to put in the effort socially and physically. Between art classes, violin, tutoring, visits to her grandparents, camps, playdates, and weekend trips to the lake I’m trying to carefully walk the tight rope of “I’m not in charge of your happiness/boredom…. You are.”
When she’s happy it’s easy for me to pat myself on the back, tell myself what a great mother I am, and take credit for her joy. When she’s not and she’s moping around it’s just as easy for me to feel responsible. Logically I know I’m not to blame for either, but my feelings have an annoying way of convincing me otherwise. I have to force myself to not obsess, and go about my routine as if her lack of interest in life outside of our tv room doesn’t affect me. Thankfully I have wonderful friends and lots of hobbies to help with this, but her inability to entertain herself and therefore create her own happiness is always in the back of my mind.
I don’t know if it’s the heat, the mundane routine of ordinary life, rules, responsibilities, or just her teen hormones but it’s tough to always be around someone who doesn’t really talk, show affection, or act like they like much less love you. “Richa when your dad gets home you need to look up and say hi to him.” True story. Next summer we might need to do some sort of summer school. Even if it’s half day. It would definitely kill the monotony much less help her catch up academically and force her to be around kids her age. Maybe I can find a summer school for moms.....with a pool, a cabana, and a rotating carousal of cheesy beach reads. Googling now.
Despite my last blog post which was in May I think, it seems our daughter is kind of back in that placid place of emotions that are just plain blah. I don’t know how mothers who’ve raised children from a young age and known the innocent years of uninhibited love and affection deal with the sudden absence of both once their children hit adolescence. I’ve never experienced a moment of that and it’s still painful. My heart goes out to them. Anyone else counting down the days until school starts? Asking for a friend.