Delighting in Her.....Harder than I Thought
It's been over a year, but most of the time I feel like our daughter has only been home a day. We had tears yesterday because she wanted to wear jeans that are two sizes too small to a fall festival we attended. It's a sensory issue that has to do with her having Neurofibromatosis.....a genetic disease that I knew nothing about until our recent appointment at the NF hub of the world (which is just an hour and a half away from our house if you can believe it).
Anyway it helped put reason to some of her quirks, but I'm still not going to let her wear jeans 2 sizes too small pulled up to her clavicle. Sorry. Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall for a reason. He probably couldn't breath and therefore move around like a normal egg. How he even had the range of motion to climb up there with his pants pulled up like that is beyond me but whatever.
Two hours later and we're once again "practicing" her request for help fixing her hair. It's. Been. A. Year. Whhhhhhhyyyyy is this such a difficult concept?
My husband and I don't get it. Friday night we had such a good night. Went to dinner, watched a movie. She was all smiles and very affectionate. We went to bed feel pretty positive that we were the best parents on earth. Then Saturday morning comes around and it's like the previous day didn't even happen! There's that weird tension again like we're strangers. What gives?!
She told me this summer on our way to cooking camp that she worries anytime we leave her anywhere (school, an activity, a friend's house, etc) that we'll forget her and won't pick her back up. Grateful for her honesty, I explained that unfortunately America has this rule that you can't abandon your children without jail time. Lame.
That conversation gave me another peak into the deep seated (and seemingly illogical) fears rooted within the minds and hearts of kids that have been abandoned. Another family we know adopted a girl in April to find out 6 months later SHE is actually a HE and he has known this since he was little but was scared if he told anyone he would get taken away. So he just pretended he was a girl. For 8 years!
How in the world are we ever going to get to normal with our extremely fearful child? Are we going to be practicing asking for help until I'm 90, she's 70, and it's no longer "can you help me with my ponytail" but "can you help me fix this varicose vein and pluck my chin hairs? I'm mentally whining and crying at the thought of 30 more years of this.
I was talking to a friend Saturday night about his daughters, and he was telling me how all he wants is to be a good dad and not screw them up. So sweet. We were laughing because according to most books I've read boys have a list of needs two inches long. Girls on the other hand.......the list is longer than a CVS receipt. One of my all time favorite parenting books "Raising Girls by Sissy Goff and Melissa Trevathan" gave me a girl raising tip that I've never been able to forget. It was that more than anything girls need their parents to delight in them. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.
When used as a verb delight means to charm, enchant, captivate, and entrance. As a noun it is to enjoy or have great pleasure. Talking to my friend helped remind me that my daughter needs to learn how to ask for help, wear her jeans appropriately, chew with her mouth closed, refrain from hammer texting innocent friends and family, and read but just as important (maybe even more so) she needs me to delight in her. To enjoy her and allow her to captivate my attention which might mean being more intentional about both than I sometimes (most of the time) am. It's easy to delight in our kids when they're being cute or performing on some level, but when they're just being ordinary it's a tad more difficult. How many of us believe we're only worth captivation IF ________ (insert whatever you want).
Some days I might have to pretend she's a bowl of mac and cheese or a pumpkin waffle candle from Bath and Body Works. Talk about delightful. However, it's my new goal because I want her to know that she's WORTH someone's attention and pleasure just because she was created, she's breathing, and she is here.