To Explain or Not to Explain...That is the Question.

When do we as parents decide that the time and mental energy necessary to explain to our children why we want them to  do what we want them to do is worth it?  I’ve been pondering this because I grew up in a “because I said so” house and you know…. that worked for the most part.  However, because our daughter is new to our family, new to American societal and cultural norms/rules, new to English, and new to having parents, most of the time I feel it really is necessary to give her an explanation when we tell her no or when we ask her to do something she doesn't want to do.  (p.s. this is exhausting)

No kid likes to be told no.  Heck no person likes to be told no.  The difference is adults (unless you’re a sociopath) gets it.  Kids on the other hand don’t really understand why we make them do what we do…. you know the inconsequential little things like attend school, sleep, walk with a knee thereby preventing hip bone deterioration, consume foods aside from bacon, and wear a seatbelt. 

So, you can imagine how difficult it is for our new daughter to grasp these silly mandates of life with us.  To make these moments even more fun we also have a language barrier to work around.   

When we correct her or we tell her no she thinks we’re mad and we’re going to quit loving her.  Cue crocodile tears.  Well we want to build trust and a sense of unconditional love as quickly as possible, so as a result, this mom ends up explaining herself quite a bit.  (Did I mention it’s exhausting?)

I remember being driven to swim practice every summer from the time I was 5 until I was 18 plotting my escape.  When I was older and could drive I would imagine “missing” the turn and heading east on 412 with nothing but my towel and cotton candy Jelly Belly’s to survive on.  I would cry in my goggles almost every morning during drills, and pray for the rapture.  I seriously did not understand why my parents made me be a part of this horridly abusive summer sport.  Needless to say, now I do.  We all do, right?  I’m so thankful for those years, the person it made me, the shoulder and back muscles that are still present if I do say so myself, the memories, the friendships, and the character that was instilled.  My dad tells me “it turned me into a tough cookie that had the guts to go over to India and bring a 15-year-old home” and you know what…. he’s right. 

So, when it comes to certain activities like violin practice, tv time limits, and chores no I don’t explain.  It’s just a rule.  But part of me is grateful (I can’t believe I’m typing this) that I feel the need to help my daughter understand the why within my want because it's helping me understand why I want her to do something too.  I’m learning that sometimes it’s just a battle for control, sometimes I’m being completely vain and imposing that on her, sometimes it's just because it's habit, and sometimes I really want to teach her and/or protect her.  What's the benefit I ask myself now?  Why is it important to me? 

When she asks me why she can’t wear her jeans pulled up to her eyeballs or why she has to go to physical therapy the need to explain not only helps her understand our motive is love for her, but it also helps me filter through my demands and think about why they are important to me.  Therapy is easy…. not sure our insurance will cover hip replacement surgery before she’s 18, but the little battles over clothing, manners, food choices, etc. are more complex and usually have to do with MY or society’s idea of what’s appropriate.  Good to reflect on?  Definitely.