Going through the Big D and Don’t Mean Dallas, Divorce, or Diabetes

Not yet anyway. I’m referring to the Big D that I avoid at all cost and have the majority of my life. Disappointment. Most of the choices I’ve made in my life have been to avoid disappointing others or to avoid being disappointed myself. Whether I was choosing a sorority, a friend, a spouse, or a career…. you name it and I can tell you how I tried to make the choice of least potential disappointment. If I did make a risky choice…. aka adopt a teenager from India, I plowed through anything and everything I could get my hands on that would teach me how to connect with her, bond with her, have the mother-daughter relationship of my dreams, and avoid the disappointment of being the rejected parent or even worse being murdered in my sleep. Yeah some days I’ll take being murdered. Meet my adorable daughter and you’ll say oh my gosh she’s so silly and sassy!! Always laughing and joking around. She’s FULL of personality around everyone…. everyone but me that is. In case anyone doesn’t realize, I’d just like to say that I’m a big phat ball of fun and as much as I would love to (if only to prevent random people from talking to me at gas stations across America) I couldn’t have RBF if I tried! That stands for resting bitch face for those of you without social media. I’m TOO approachable! I wish I was less approachable! It doesn’t matter though. I could be Fraulein freaking Maria and it wouldn’t matter. She would still go throughout her day wondering if I was coming back from anywhere I go without her, and she would still wonder if I was mad at her. How do I know this? Because I ask her regularly "What's wrong?". I’ll be with her all day and she’ll be sullen and silent. In the car…silent. Watching Barbie movies on the couch together…silent. Working on letter sounds…. she speaks when spoken to. It’s a broken silent record day in and day out. And there are no adjectives on earth that could accurately describe how much disappointment this mom feels. I could never figure out what it was though. What is this feeling? Is it sadness? Maybe. But then I would feel actual sadness and I knew that this pesky emotion was in a category all its own. Heaviness, tightness in my chest, and rejection all wrapped up with a big bow. Once I acknowledged it (with the help of a very patient professional) and looked it right in the eyes I started to realize that avoiding disappointment has been a huge motivating factor in my life since I can remember. But why? If I sit with it ,the main thought that comes through when I’m feeling disappointment is “I was wrong”, and who likes to be wrong? It kind of stinks and if you’re a sensitive kid like I was/am feeling wrong is/was the same as being wrong. So to avoid FEELING wrong and therefore BEING wrong I just decided subconsciously to avoid disappointment. How would I do this you ask? Oh I have plenty of ineffective tools in my back o' tricks. Immediately I start to strategize. Something outside of me needs to change right? I need different results. I need a different outcome. I need to make a different choice or someone else does. So, I would read (how many high school freshmen have read the Dance of Anger I ask you?), I would choose what I thought was the safest most logical route, I would try to control others, live in a fantasy of what could be or might be if I just tried harder, and I would be four steps ahead thinking about what could possibly go wrong and how I could prevent it. Exhausted just typing that. Miracle I have time to shower regularly. Well the joke is on me because it can’t be avoided. Or can it? Who says that Richa and I must be anything more than what we are? I’m learning that what orbits around me and outside of me isn’t the issue. The issue is me. Why am I so anti-reality? What's so bad about things just being what THEY are? I've started testing out this new philosophy as often as I can, and what I'm seeing is that no one dies, I feel so much more at peace, and a billion times happier. This means I'm a happier person, a better friend, and a way more loving mom.

A couple of weeks ago after a day of doe eyed silence and timid responses to anything I asked her, I sat with her in bed and got honest. I told her that I would love for her to joke around with me. I would love for her to feel safe enough to be silly around me. I told her I would love to hear her thoughts and all that goes on in her little brain each day BUT if she never can give those things to me that it’s ok. I would still love her and be her mom regardless. An affirmation to myself more than anything. A few seconds later I learned that four score and seven years ago she had a dream she dropped her iPad in the pool and I got mad at her. So since then she’s thought I was mad at her. SWEAR. Are you serious?? You had a dream?! 1) That’s definitely not reality and 2) OMG! Someone anyone please shoot me. I mean geez I had a dream that one of my brother’s friends got me pregnant in high school, but I didn’t go to school the next day, put it on the morning announcements, and complete a registry at the local Walmarts? So, I sat on her bed and answered 55 thousand hypothetical scenarios. Would I cry? Would I call my dad (her grandpa) and be sad? Would I be mad at her? Does everyone talk to their families? I’m going to start recording our conversations and just replay them back to her because she can remember that one time I slammed a door 2 years ago out of frustration (and have not done it since mind you) but homegirl can’t remember the 50 million times I’ve told her that talking about her feelings is ok and that it’s what family and friends are for! Did I mention that throughout this conversation I’m sick and am losing my voice almost completely? An hour later I’ve compared “talking to me” with learning to swim. The first time is very scary, the second time a little less scary, etc. Now she’s not scared at all of the water.(Even lake water...gross) The moral of my bedtime 3-hour conversation was courage must be practiced, and that’s what I encouraged her to do. Since then I'm trying to lead from my heart. Once I say to myself "Legan what is your reality? Why are you disappointed.....feel it.....you can survive it" Then I'm immediately hit with a warm feeling of acceptance, faith, and abundance. My expectations and fantasies eventually dissolve and I see that without expectations there's no attachment to an outcome and wa la...I’m free. I'm grateful to God. I'm full of love, and my heart is open. Such a better feeling than being afraid a hypothetical hacienda is going to fall on my head if worse case scenario I'm (insert big scary gasp) disappointed.

Richa had a dream and to avoid disappointment she shut down. How many times do I do that? Dreams and disappointments often times go hand in hand. But the more I face my disappointment, the more I let myself feel it, and I see it won’t kill me, the less power it has over me and the less afraid I am of the unknown. The more courage and confidence to pursue my dreams big or small. But that my friends is another post for another day.